Dating

Frantically swiping to the left. Frantically swiping to the right. Which one means like again?

Jesus Christ, I’ve just gone and lost the love of my life

Hang about, I’ve got a match, things are looking up. Now to play the old waiting game for no apparent reason. Thirty-six hours on the down-low should do it, don’t wanna appear like a serial killer.

Another match! This one’s closer to home. Sure, we don’t share the same interests or hobbies, or find each other attractive in anyway shape or form, but think of the petrol I’ll save and think of the planet! This is a conservationist brainstorm.  Or something like that.

She seems keen, as am I. We’re going for pre-drinks before heading for a Thai. One last question she wants to ask, ‘How tall are you?’ ‘Erm, 5’8 give or take.’ Unmatched.

Other conversations go well, then just stop dead. Finally meet for a date. ‘Wait a sec, according to these photos you’re meant to have fucking antlers on your head.’

Trapped in an isochronism of first dates. Cloned questions and answers walk together, lifeless. Sat in a juice bar with date twenty-three, under the table my thumb roams at liberty, swiping away, reckless, carefree.

Beware of the deceivers lurking with fake accounts, waiting for a hook to be cast. Don’t seem to realise sooner or later there’ll be a big reveal, having to remove their masks.

‘Do you feel like you’ve been catfished?’ ‘Well, you made out you were a yoga instructor named Manda, but in reality, you’re a pipefitter who’s a grandad. So yeah, I must admit I’m slightly miffed.’

The sun and the moon pursue one another, spinning summer into winter as they yo-yo, whilst I lay paralysed, unkept, under my covers.

My face lit from a red radar scanning for a pulse. An age range spanning from 18 to death’s door. A planet overpopulated, but still I’m craving for more.

Finally find a girl worth falling for. Wild swimming, travel. Festivals galore. Five dates in I mention the next step. She links her pinkie with mine and talks of celibacy. ‘Twelve months of just kissing, it’ll be so hot. No touching or sex…’ Oh you know what? Fuck this for a game of soldiers, I’m going back to my ex.